Healing my heart

It was suggested I write this letter to clear some of the darkness that ended a relationship and still surrounds its memories.

I didn’t fall in love immediately. I grew to love the man I thought you were. Your intelligence was sexy, your spirit of adventure was attractive, and I enjoyed our conversations and pillow talk.

At first I didn’t understand what was going on when a heavy darkness began moving in to the relationship. I didn’t know where it was coming from. I began to feel depressed.

I googled what could be wrong with our relationship, blaming myself.

It took too long for me to realize it was not me, it was you. You were not who I thought you were. This is not your fault. This was all mine. Mine because I attached my own visions of who I thought you were without listening to you when you told me who you really were. You were never about being faithful and you were never about being honest. You never cared about being any of these things. It simply wasn’t you.

When I finally realized that you really didn’t care and that I was the one going off the deep end. I left. I am forever grateful to my son and his friends for helping me move on such short notice. I am grateful for my friend Mike who insisted I look in the mirror and acknowledge that you didn’t care about or love me. That you had moved on and further contact with you would only open the door for your revenge. Vindictive, spiteful and mean revenge because I left. You worked hard at destroying any and all links to our social life. For the most part it worked. Some however, knew and kept quiet to protect me. I kept my distance and eventually you ran out of steam.

I have dated since. Dates that for the most part didn’t go anywhere. Not their fault, but mine. I had too much fear and that fear had settled into my body. Fear of men with hidden addictions and fear of men who could not form attachments. Fear of men who enjoy messing with other people’s minds – coworkers, family, girlfriends. My fear of unsafe men held a very big shell around me. Eventually, I stopped making the effort to meet men.

This is the reason for my letter. I am afraid of another relationship like the one I had with you. I don’t want another man like you. You had good parts, but the bad overshadowed the good. I loved you. Now I am afraid of my own choices. It is time to clear this darkness and acknowledge and face my fears.

To heal my heart, I am sending you love and healing. You have your own demons that only you can free yourself from. I am lighting a candle to send you light with love. For once upon a time, I did love you.

A toast to 2019 – a year of new beginnings.